So I’ve been very quiet on the blogging front recently. We had a bit of a shock around my 27th birthday that threw us through a bit of a loop and it’s taken some time to come to terms with it.
But now we have.
It really wasn’t something we were expecting but it’s happened and we’re thrilled! So I would now like to officially introduce you to Baby Scissors. Due 22nd December 2014.
I won’t lie to you all – I’m scared. Really scared. I have a lot of stuff floating around my head but I’ve decided that it’s better out than in. So in honour of my birthday – here are 27 Reasons Why I’m Too Immature To Have A Baby.
- This wasn’t part of “The Plan” – at least not for another five years. “The Plan” involved making my life up as I go along. It was a solid plan and one that didn’t involve any actual planning at all.
- I am a complete control freak. Something tells me that this is not conducive to having a baby.
- I really love my Lego Minifigures. This may actually appear to be an advantage but it’s not. I love them too much to even let Mr Scissors touch them, let alone a child with sticky fingers.
- Pina Coladas are my friend. Sometimes they are my only friend. And gin. And Prosecco. And Pimms. I would literally kill you all right now for a strawberry cider.
- I am the laziest person I have ever met. This is not an exaggeration.
- I detest cleaning. I am very lucky that Mr Scissors does all of the cleaning. Every bit of it. But when I’m not working I fear that this responsibility will fall to me and I will actually have to get the hoover out - this chills me to my core.
- I have always been too scared to hold newborns because someone once told me I could snap their neck if I don’t do it properly. This terrifies me.
- I love sleep. I think I will miss sleep most of all. If it were up to me I would stay in bed all day. This sounds seriously pathetic – please refer to point 5. I am already exhausted and not sleeping – I thought this started when the baby arrived?
- I can’t get my head around how people actually hold a newborn in a bath without dropping them under the water. Last night I had a nightmare that my hand slipped because it was soapy and covered in Johnson’s baby oil and it took me several minutes to get a good grip again – like a big bar of soap in a prison shower.
- I still have imaginary friends who I talk and sing to in the car on my commute to work.
- I have never purchased a pair of tights because choosing the right colour/shade/Denier confuses me so I just steal my mother in laws because I know I like them.
- I make impulse purchases. Big ones. On Saturday I was looking at all of the baby things I will need to buy, panicked and then went to Argos and bought an XBox One instead.
- I cannot get my head around the fact that there is a person inside me and it’s freaking me out. I have a little bump now but my brain keeps telling me it’s just because I’m getting fat and that I should eat less – then I remember that I’m barely eating because I’m too nauseous anyway.
- I am the most indecisive person on the planet. I can’t even decide what to have for lunch so I frequently end up not eating anything. How am I going to choose what type of parent to be or what name they should have when I can’t even decide what sandwich to have?
- Rude words still make me giggle. A lot.
- I photoshopped a penis onto the head of someone I hate last week and then laughed at it for 15 minutes straight.
- I still get overly emotional and sensitive when criticised. Sometimes I still feel like a 15 year old being picked on and it makes me cry. This is especially embarrassing at work.
- I really love violent video games. Particularly games like Halo, Mass Effect and Rainbow Six. I find comfort in shooting the tiny men in the head. I’m not convinced that this is healthy. I’m also not convinced that it isn’t.
- I am overly competitive. Last year I threw the board game I was playing with the in-laws across the room because they gave ½ point to Mr Scissors dad which I felt was undeserved. The game was Password if it makes this anymore acceptable (it doesn’t). I have also thrown friends out of a house when playing a pub quiz and I once threw an ashtray at my bosses 14 year daughters head, also during a pub quiz.
- I like ice lollies more than I like real food. I can cook real food and I cook it very well, but I will always choose an ice lolly over and above everything else.
- Spiders. I am petrified of spiders. I once refused to sleep in our bedroom for 2 weeks because I saw one and then lost it before someone could dispose of it. I won’t even allow the windows to be opened in Summer or Autumn and got stuck outside of my house for several hours last year because there was one on my front door. I am fairly sure that my poor child will pick up on this and be a huge freak just like me.
- I feel too young. Maybe that’s just the shock, but I’ve started telling people recently that we’re expecting and I hold my breath each time because I feel as though they are going to judge me. I’m not too young. 27 is not too young at all, it is perfectly normal child bearing age. So why do I still feel like people will judge me and why do I feel so surprised when they are nothing but happy for us?
- I never buy socks – I always wait to be given them at Christmas.
- I don’t understand baby or toddler speak. Does anyone? Or is it just your own children you can understand? I’m worried they will be asking for something like milk and I just won’t know what they’re saying and will be staring blankly at them while they become more and more dehydrated.
- I am entirely, 100% FREAKING OUT about child birth. I literally cannot comprehend how I will even make it to December without having a nervous breakdown.
- Bra fittings scare me. I generally just go and buy the wrong sized bra to avoid the awkwardness of the situation. I am fairly confident that I will have to show more than my bare back when giving birth.
- I’m still not comfortable talking about bodily functions with my doctor. I generally just go a bit red and giggle awkwardly before changing the subject or pretending I came in because of hayfever.
So there we have it. I am far too immature to have a tiny person. Please tell me it’s not just me who thinks like this?